Once I took a lot of drugs
and became schizophrenic.
Then I took a lot of drugs
and became not schizophrenic.
Hearing the call of rebellion,
I placed upon myself:
black t-shirts, black leather, black pants,
and outstretched my middle finger.
Killing brain-cells through head-banging
Killing brain-cells through alcohol
Killing brain-cells through amphetamines
all in a cannabis-induced haze.
Dwelling in the infamous “parents’ basement”,
I abused myself in ways unknown to man
Taking drugs in ways unheard of
and listening to the most extreme music on Earth.
I hurt people and didn't care
I hurt people and profited off their pain.
I hurt people, and increased the world's suffering
I hurt people, and when I did, I'd smile.
I was not what you would call a nice person.
And punishment arrived for these sins:
Schizophrenia: the ultimate mental affliction.
At first I felt like a god,
then I felt like a devil.
Then I believed I was a god,
then I believed I was a devil.
I studied magic because I knew it was real
because I deemed it so,
and wanting something to be,
was enough to make it real to me.
I did not know my limitations anymore
I forgot about science, biology, gravity
And lived like I was Superman.
Things seemed great,
but there was a dark side:
I was completely wrong about everything
Yes, I was delusional.
I was delusional about myself
I was delusional about others
I was delusional about the powers that be
I was delusional about the unseen
I started developing irrational fears
such as that the number five
was trying to kill me
And then I was diagnosed: psychotic.
I did not believe them
I thought them to be part of a conspiracy
I took their medication and felt discomfort
like you could not even imagine.
And so I was untreated for many years
I languished in unemployment and a bad relationship
I languished in unimaginable fear
I languished and sought no help
It was like I had two heads:
One head wanted me to be OK
One head wanted to destroy me
Two heads, in one head at war with itself
But after one terrifying ordeal
I sought out medical help
and received a new drug
which was not like the others
Never mind that it cost about $40 a pill
(your tax dollars cover the cost)
Not taking a pill: Is psychotic
Taking a pill: Is not psychotic
Is psychotic, is not psychotic
Is psychotic, is not psychotic
Is psychotic, is not psychotic
Is psychotic, is not psychotic
Big Pharma loves people like me
and you could say I am grateful
Grateful for a mind with less delusions
grateful for not seeing walls and cars staring at me
grateful to have some boundaries for my consciousness
grateful to avoid the pernicious light that takes us all--
For a time.
For what really is there between now and death for schizophrenics
Pain. Great mental pain.
Suffering. Great suffering.
Even if there's no physical wounds,
you might as well nail us to the cross
For it wouldn't hurt any less,
just in a different way.
So you could say that I am a fan of Big Pharma
despite the ridiculous ads for drugs listing side-effects
despite the attempts to influence doctors with gifts
despite the fact that amphetamines got me in this pickle to begin with
Look, here's some Invega right now!
Is psychotic. Is not psychotic.
Is psychotic. Is not psychotic.
Is psychotic. Is not psychotic.
Is psychotic. Is not psychotic.
END